In that personal quest, I believed my goal was to do that which I had done with so many other things in life - dissect, quantify and explain it. So, I poured over volumes of recovery texts and articles, as well as devoted many hours viewing videos offering the perspectives of experts in the field of chemical dependency. I have also exhaustively studied ancient religious and spiritual texts, including: the Bible; the Old Testament Pseudipigrapha; the New Testament Apocrypha; Egyptian, Sumerian, Babylonian and Greek mythological texts; the Tibetan "Book of the Dead"; the Dead Sea Scrolls; the Gnostic library at Nag Hammadi; the writings of the early Church Fathers (Ignatius, Origen, Jerome, Augustine, etc.); the writings of Thomas Aquinas, Thomas More, Martin Luther, John Calvin and John Knox. Yet, nowhere in these texts did I find what I needed to claim my prize, that elusive, sometimes mystical something for which I so yearned.

    This intellectual quest was, however, not entirely in vain. Along the way, I collected some precious pearls. I learned that for some the spiritual awakening is simply a move down the path from false pride to humility; from dishonesty and distrust to wholeness and hope. While for others, it is simply a surrender to fate; an acceptance of life as it comes; a que sera, sera, if you will. I learned from others that perspective was important, too - the ability to see the opportunity in a crisis, not just the problem. Each of these pearls was a piece of the puzzle, to be sure - but the picture was still incomplete. I seemed to be glimpsing the form of the journey, but somehow I was still missing its substance; its essence.

    I sought more understanding as I sailed into the deep, tranquil waters of Native American spirituality - from the Sacred Tree to the Medicine Wheel. I also meditated for a time on the writings of Siddhartha Gautama, the sixth-century-B.C. prince of India, later known as Buddha. In so doing, what was brought forth within my consciousness was an ever increasing awareness of the part played in things spiritual by prayer, meditation and concepts such as be as a child, accept pain as a teacher, connect with nature and others, develop a beginner's mind, and access your wisdom. All of these, I found, were additional pieces of the spiritual awakening puzzle. But, with all the knowledge, with all the understanding I had acquired in my intellectual meandering - I was still not there - I did not have that which I sought.

    Then, somewhere in the process of working the Steps, some time along the path from One through Twelve, something began to change. I would like to say I finally held the coveted prize of the spiritual awakening in the palm of my hand - but it wasn't that simple - or was it? Yet something did happen; something definitely changed. And, I believe, the answer came when I quit asking the question; when my focus changed; when I allowed the intellectual exercise to become a life experience.

    That moment for me arrived on a night long ago, about three years into my recovery. walked up a dark, sand-covered road toward a nondescript one-story building on the crest of a hill. The building was a small chapel on the grounds of the minimum security federal prison at which I had been a less than willing resident too many moons for comfort. There I would once again meet with my sponsor, an eternally patient, giving and compassionate soul who had been my guide for nearly two years; a man of the cloth who also struggled one day at a time with the demon at the bottom of a glass. In him I had found understanding and empathy; in him I had found a friend.

    The desert sky above had cleared shortly after dusk; a parting velvet curtain of clouds revealing a billion stars twinkling in the clear, crisp indigo night. The only sounds were the faint coyote cries drifting aimlessly across the and wasteland and the soft crunch of my shoes in the sand. All the other night noises were smothered, leaving me with the impression I was standing alone on Earth.

    I wondered about the time, but the world of minutes and hours seemed lost somehow. Clocks, calculators, computers - technological wonders created to perpetuate humanity's illusion of control - had disappeared under nature's cloak of stillness and slowness. I stopped, kicked at the sand, and, standing in the middle of the road, breathed deeply of the pristine night air. Looking into the heavens, I could see stars whose light had left their points of origin a million or more years before, and I realized I was gazing into the depths of life itself. Beyond that was infinity - and, filling it all - something, I humbly acknowledged, I would never fully understand.

    As I stood there within the confines of my desert fortress of solitude, I recalled all I had learned in my intellectual quest for knowledge - the insightful words of minds, both great and small, over many centuries. And, I was once again touched by the caring words of my sponsor - "Just let go, and all will be revealed." I breathed again, and touched something - something both within me and without. And I felt it flowing through my whole being. Time stretched to infinity and dissolved. And, I knew - I was no longer alone. Who knows how long the moment lasted - yet, it seemed I belonged and was as one with the universe for all eternity, in the space of those few seconds. And, then, just as fast as it had appeared, the feeling was gone.

    Since that night years ago, I have been filled with an abiding sense of faith and trust. I know that no matter where I am, it is where I am supposed to be; no matter what I am doing, it is what I am supposed to be doing. When I open my eyes, my heart, my mind to the present; when I am receptive to the vibrant beat of eternity's heart - the feeling returns time after time, and with it, I again belong - I am a part of. Is it a touch of humility? Yes. Is it surrender? Yes, again. Is it freedom? Yes, once again. Is it the innocence of a child? Oh, yes. Is it balance and wisdom? Yet it is!

    It is all of this - and so much more. It is, I believe, the harmony of life itself-, the melody of eternity that plays in the combined voice of our hearts playing as one. It is always there to be heard, if we are only open to hear it. In it is a glimpse of spirituality - the awakening sense of belonging. And, it all came together for me that exquisite night as I humbly surrendered pretense and pride and opened my being to experience and be one with it.

    So, I say to anyone willing to read these words: keep working the Steps; keep accepting and following the direction of your sponsor and other spiritual guides; keep questing for knowledge and understanding in your recovery. But every now and then, do something truly spiritual: stop thinking, stop questing, stop trying to make it happen -just let it happen. Step into the timeless, magical mystery of eternity. For it is there our infant's journey in recovery matures; the arms of life open wide to embrace us; and the promised spiritual awakening touches and changes our life forever.