Looking into the long grass that arose around my feet, I stood bending over with my hands on my knees in an alley behind my parent's house. It was Thanksgiving Day 1980 in a town called Bellingham in Washington State. I stood up straight wiping my mouth clean. Looking up and down the alley to see if anyone had seen me. Walking back in to the house I felt a relief that I got ride of the meal that I just binged on. Smiling at my family and relatives as if nothing had ever happened. No one could tell that I just thrown up the Thanksgiving dinner.

        I felt a sense of relief not being stuffed because I ate over emotional feelings. I was the youngest of three boys all in the sport of wresting. That weekend was a tournament, I had to make weight by the next day. I had only dropped ten pounds to the next lower weight class but that was enough to start the bingeing and the dieting. The yo-yoing ups and down with the weight, bulimia, over exercise and the shame and guilt. Living with a food addiction with no where to go or no one to tell.

        Being a male with bulimia was like being a government spy, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was trapped in my body and in my mind. The world look like it was on the other side and I was looking through a window watching very one else have fun, living free and being joyful. There was some thing missing in my life and I did not no what it was. Going through high school and only throwing up as many times as you can count with both hands. I had began to get the wrong eating habits from overeating during to football season trying to put on as much weight as I could. Then dropping to make weight in wrestling season.

        Having an injury during one of my matches put me out of sports for my senior year. It was hard to loose every thing I worked so hard for, on the other hand the pressure that I placed on myself while in sports was no longer a concern.

        After I graduated high school I went out of town to go into a heavy equipment training course which lasted a year. It was an all male school and I had left my girl friend at home. We where apart for months at a time and she started to date other people. I felt hurt and lost. So my head thought if I would loss five or ten pounds and get into good shape she would want me back. I started to run every day and lift weight weights at the gym. I cut my food in take in half. I would get so hungry that I would go to the corner store at night, buy junk food and binge until I was feeling no more pain.

        When I binged, the loneliness and pain went away. You see I get comfort in the food. It is a nurturing and loving feeling to me. The only problem is that it did not stop at just getting full. I would eat and then I would feel bad about doing it so I would sneak off and go throw it up. I thought, if I were only thin then I would be loved. It was very painful to me. The chocolate gave me a feeling of being in love. Feeling that every thing was going to be O.K. but once that feeling left I would have to throw it up to get the calories out of my system. I started throwing up more and more. Soon the feeling of throwing up became such an obsession that I could not stop. I finally graduated from that training school and never did get that girl back. I had become so sick that if we did end up together I believe today that it would not have lasted. I came to California for work in construction and then my over exercising and my bulimia exploded.

        I was and running to the store buying candy ice cream and cookies and eating them all in one sitting and then spending the morning throwing up. After feeling a relief from life and my problems by throwing them up. I headed to the gym. Not talking to any one or making friends. At night I would do the same as I did that morning. I would go to different stores so the same checker would not see all the junk food I was buying. The "Drive Through" was a good spot and the bakery. Any shop or store would do.

        On the way to work I would have a dozen donuts eating all of them. Some days I had a few left overs so I put the rest in my lunch pale for later. I would get so tired and sick from all the sugar that I would come home and pass out. One year I was given a box of See's candy for Christmas gifts. I had to mail away for more to replace them, while I kept eating the boxes . I would eat them again and have to buy more then eat them once again. I finally bought extra boxes and ate those. I was able to get so of the candy wrapped and put in the packages ready for shipping. That night I woke up unwrapped the candy and ate three of the six one pound boxes that morning. I was finally able to get the last three out and had to pick out other gifts for shipping.

        Another time a girl I was dating brought me over a cake mix and some pre-made frosting. She said it was too late to bake the cake so she went home that night. The mix and the frosting sat there in my kitchen. The frosting started calling me, I got out of bed and eat the whole can. The next day after work I bought the some frosting mix on the way home and before I had even had dinner I ate that can as well. This went on and on. I bought three cans at one time and ate two of them. It was getting time for her to come over and the one can made it till her arrival. She made the cake and by that time it was ready, it so late that she said; "I don't want a piece now lets wait until tomorrow" and I greed with her and lying through my teeth said "yes it to late to have a piece". Later that night you can beat I was having a piece and it was a big one. That morning I had another one and after work another. The cake was three quarters eaten by the time she called me from her school. She said you didn't eat the whole cake did you? Laughing she said save me a piece I would like to come over tonight. By the time it was for her to come over the whole cake was gone, I had eaten it all.

        She walked in the door and asked where it was. I told her that I was doing dishes and knocked it off the counter. When it hit the floor it broke in to a thousand pieces so I had to through it all away. She gave me a funny look so I told her I was really sorry. This kind of life went on for sixteen years. Locked up in my apartment when it was the weekend and eight degrees out side. Throwing up until I would see stars and ending up with black and blue eyes. The lying, eating other peoples food in there house, arranging the food so it did not look like I ate so much. Going to the gym twice a day.

        I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired I would lay on the shower floor crying, asking God for help. That day came when I picked up the phone and asked the operator for the number of Overeaters Anonymous. I went to my first meeting in Beverly Hills, I was scared to death, and I said I had a food problem. Every one welcomed me. I remember a woman speaking. She said that she had no chocolate or sugar for ten years. That was all I needed to hear. I kept going to that meeting every Friday night. I would go out and binge after the meeting but I kept coming back. People would talk after the meeting and a few guys asked if I wanted to go on a hike with them tomorrow. I said yes and met them at the meeting parking lot the next morning. We all hike together talking about are food troubles and the program. One man told me that I had some serious issues with food and that I should go to more meetings and he told me where to go. I saw him at those meeting and we talked more. He told me that I needed a sponsor and that he would help me get recovery. He told me to go to a meeting every day for ninety days and to get commitments at two of those meetings. I was willing to listen and to do any thing I was told to at that point. He had me check in with him on the phone every day. And I made outreach calls to other people in the program. I had a food plan that we made together. It was I could eat any thing but I could not throw up. I did that but I still threw up a few times.

        He didn't give up on me. We made a food plan that would be three meals a day with two snacks of fruits and vegetables. This worked I stopped throwing up. I started eating too many sweets and drinking to much coffee so he helped me stop those also. I share my story at meeting. Getting new friends, true friends that are there to help when you need it. I learned to pray to a higher power. And turn my life over to him. Life became much easier for me to live. I am out side on the weekends now. I'm becoming healthier and happier as time goes by. I feel so much more confident in areas of my life. I have learned how to deal with a problem when it comes up in stead out acting out with the bulimia or the exercise.

        Today I' m working a great program in Overeaters Anonymous. I have to work my program so I can stay abstinent. My abstinence is no throwing up and no going crazy with the bingeing and exercise. I'll know in my heart if I break my abstinence. I have six years of recovery now in program. I have a sponsor today and we are working on the twelve steps and I also sponsor people. Prayer and meditating every day keeps on humble and reminds me were I have came from. I have started up a new meeting with an emphasis on bulimia and anorexia in the South Bay area of Los Angeles. Being of service is so important today in my recovery and to carry the message to others that are suffering. Making new friends and feeling good about myself along to way. I have a new life today one that is spiritual, very loving to the world and to myself, I have to thank my new life to Overeater Anonymous and all the helpful and loving people that have given me a second chance on life. From my deepest thanks. I love you all.